This whole freaking week.

           I thought, beginning Monday, it would be a lovely week. I was wrong. I can't do anything right, my boyfriend's quit talking to me, it feels like we're drifting apart and I feel horrible. I feel like hell, and to top it off I was too stupid last time to get scholarship level on my HSE tests. I want to be smart, I want to be funny, I want to be pretty and I want to be... confident. If I could just be all of that, I could do good on the COMPASS test, I could get scholarship level, and I could deal with everything. I wish I was skinnier, because if I was skinny, maybe I'd be pretty. I've been losing weight like crazy and trying to work out and spend most of my time away from food I mean I don't think I even had 1000 calories today which is sort of a miracle but also really awesome. I've really been trying my best to just get rid of as much weight as possible and to feel good about myself but it's so hard to do.

He loves me,
He loves me not,
He loves me,
He loves me not.
You think all of these things,
You try not to cry when he gets on your mind,
You realize how much he loves you back,
But sometimes you wonder if you're enough,
Do I make him happy?
Do I make him cry?
Is he okay?
Have you ever felt that way about someone?
You can't tell if they're hurting, and when you can...
It's hell. On Earth. It's absolutely terrible. You cry.
I cry every time I hear my love starting to sound upset.
You know, I really am a big believer in love, especially love in first sight,
But right now, I think I'm so damned hypnotized by him,
I can't really tell if I'm honestly okay, or if it's just an act for him,
So he won't worry. He won't care, he does care, but you don't want him to.
It makes everything more difficult.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm here for you."
"What's wrong, baby?"
If I were to say everything, he would ask me what I meant.
If I were to tell him everything, he would start crying.
So I prefer to tell him nothing, because then he can't bother me about caring.
I don't want him to care. I want him to care about himself.
All I know is that no matter what happens, I will be his forever and I will not
Will not hurt him, ever. He'll be okay with me. I won't hurt him.
I fantasize about him all of the time. He makes me happy and I want to be with him.
I want to stay with him and it scares the hell out of me that some other girl might
Just possibly
Fall in love with him.
And then he'll fall in love with her.
Then they'll be happy, because she's more beautiful than I am.
I usually cry myself to sleep thinking about this. Tonight, I couldn't. I couldn't sleep.
I want to talk to him. He's the only thing that keeps me from cutting, taking pills or burning.
I haven't burned in at least 2 days because I care so much about him and I know that
If I hurt myself, he would be really upset. And I don't want that. I love him too much.

So, what I could do is bitch the night away, about how much I hate my life and how much I wish I was dead.
Tonight I'm going to try to turn it in a new direction. You see all these kids out here, without parents, with only one parent, and you feel terrible for them. You put yourself in their shoes, imagining it sometimes.
In reality, you can't really put yourself there because, you know, there's no way that you could possibly understand how it feels to not have your parents want you or not have your parents around. I have to admit I'm quite lucky when it comes to that aspect of life. I was blessed with two wonderful grandparents that adopted me from nearly birth and I fell in love with them, they're my parents now. They treat me like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to them. I feel like I'm not, but I think I changed their lives in many, many more ways than one. I know I was an expensive baby, and I'm a bit of an expensive teenager (Sorry.) but I know that they love me more than I could love myself. I love my parents and I wouldn't give them up for the world. I feel so bad that some people don't have both their parents, whether it be from them passing away, them giving up on that child, them not caring about the child, or even if work gets in the way of them seeing that child. I personally am very grateful that I have a mom and dad that love me. My mom tries her best not to spoil me too rotten, but I am spoiled by her, and I'm definitely spoiled by my dad. I'm his princess. I've always been a daddy's girl and I don't think I'd change that for anything. He would sit there and let me read to him, he accepted me throwing up in his face (sorry.) If I had stayed with my birth mother, I could have ended up dead or fucked up beyond belief. I love her, I do. But she was more interested in my big sister and she was just a child herself. I hope not to follow in her footsteps and become pregnant at age 15. I want to stay a virgin into my early 20s at least. I want to be pure for the man I marry, I want to fall in love every day and I want to be happy with whoever I end up with. I know that I may seem like I'm rambling on, but it's been a very long time since I've gotten my emotions out, and I need it.
I don't think I can sleep tonight. I've tried laying down, watching Awkward, turning the TV off, and nothing is working. I'm hoping by 4:00 I can find a way to sleep (it's almost 3:30)

One Direction Infection

Several moments a day I think about One Direction and how much they've changed my life.
Their music, their positive influence, their cuteness, and how much I love them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know how many people read my blog, but I have a group on Facebook (my cousin is the owner and I'm the admin), but anyway the group is called One Direction Forever. I love listening to the boys' music and watching stuff like The Alan Carr Show and The Adventurous Adventures of One Direction.

Up All Night Album

What Makes You Beautiful
Gotta Be You
One Thing
More Than This
Up All Night
I Wish
Tell Me A Lie
Taken
I Want
Everything About You
Same Mistakes
Save You Tonight
Stole My Heart


The Deluxe Version of the Album Has
Moments
Stand Up



Take Me Home Album

Live While We're Young
 Kiss You
 Little Things
C'mon, C'mon
Last First Kiss
Heart Attack
Rock Me
Change My Mind
I Would
Over Again
 Back For You
 They Don't Know About Us
Summer Love
 She's Not Afraid 
Loved You First
Nobody Compares
Still The One

Your eyes are so hypnotizing,
Your lips so kissable,
Your body so huggable,
Baby you're so lovable..
<3

Degrassi- Eli and Clare

On this last episode of Degrassi, Clare told Eli that they should take a small breather. When she told him that he freaked out, and went to the place where he had his ex-girlfriend Julia's picture and shot a gun at it, saying to her "This is all YOUR fault!" When in reality, it was his fault as well because he wasn't over her-Pretty obviously. I loved that episode though. Jenna and KC got into a fight over the baby crib (Dang Jenna, talk about pregnancy hormones! Of course K.C. knows it's real, he's just as terrified as you are!!)
Holly J. ended things with Sav. It seems really interesting to me because they always seem happy together, then Holly J. broke up with him because she wasn't feeling it. I understand that, I mean, what good is a relationship wtihout love? Well, Fiona figured out that, she's gay. :)

           :) COMMENT!!

Gigantic!

**New episode of Gigantic, was on at 9:30PM EST, or 8:30PM CST.
Anyway. Maggie and Vanessa are "friends" (Not really, Vanessa called her a b****)
Russell and Anna are together now. Peter and Piper broke up (i think?) because Peter went on tour.
That is kind of funny. Peter and Piper lol <3
Maggie and Walt are in their 3rd month of dating, also their 15th day.


**Maggie knew about JOEY AND LULU the whole time!!**